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REDNECK ENGINEERING EXAM
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding
900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes
fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the
chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler? |
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either.
Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse . |
| 1. Sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's
still pretty darn good. 2. Where there is a will, there is an inheritance tax. 3. We must accept the fact that change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 4. Life is tough; nobody gets out alive. 5. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights can make a left. 6. Remember, amatuers built the ark, and professionals built the Titanic. |
| A gynecologist
had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge if being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." |
| Public execution Scene: public executions by guillotine Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine... First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardonned. Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardonned. Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..." Architect-artist-engineer The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said "I like both". "Both?" The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman. Then you can get into the lab and do something really important." Quote "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook Bike Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Comparison The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer Complimentary Tutoring Large Earning Potential Can handle stress and strain in relationships Know all the dynamics of relative motion Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity FREE body diagrams Always back up their hard drives Trained to do it right the first time Specialized in experimentation Can go all night with no hint of fatigue |
| THE
RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!! We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping. |
| The School of Science you Won't Believe. These are actual answers to quizzes and tests given in the U.S. and Europe: 1) "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." 2) "H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water" 3) "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." 4) "When you smell an oderless gass, it is probably carbon monoxide." 5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." 6) "Thre kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." 7) "The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the hear and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which ther are five - a,e,i,o, and u." 8) "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." 9) "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration." 10) "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." 11) "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." 12) "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.) 13) "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." 14) "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 15) "The pistol of a flower is its only protection agenst insects." 16) "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." |
| Contributed by
Don, at HP/Agilent for 29 years:
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| Circuits
Discover Each Other:
http://www.gizmodo.com/archives/circuits-discover-each-other-024002.php |
| Requirements of Indian Drivers Post #659
Rules Of The Road, Indian Style Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous. Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English: ARTICLE I: The assumption of immortality is required of all road users. ARTICLE II: Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians. ARTICLE III: All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra. ARTICLE IV: Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet): Cars: Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: ``I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes." Trucks and buses: All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps. Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above. ARTICLE V: All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment. ARTICLE VI: In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times. ARTICLE VII: Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road. ARTICLE VIII: Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored. ARTICLE IX: Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians. ARTICLE X: Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash. ARTICLE XI: Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear. |
| http://britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm |
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| Redneck Financial Engineering:
Or "My parents invested a billion dollars with Amaranth and all I got was this friggin' t-shirt" |
| Engineers and
Lawyers: Courtesy of a subscriber to the PIC-LIST
Here's my part for this threat:
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